my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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