I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
