Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
