The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
More tranny stories later!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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