I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize