Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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