It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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