I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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