Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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