I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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