Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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