Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
