I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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