she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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