Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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