the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
