there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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