If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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