Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
