He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
