pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
