I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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