I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
