My friends, they love my intelligence
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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