I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
