That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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