Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
As shirtless as possible
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
