I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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