Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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