rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
