in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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