Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
