He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
