I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
