she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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