I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
