He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize