Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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