There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
