wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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