And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
