Swine flu. Run for my life!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
