I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
