woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
