Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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