also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
