I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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