Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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