Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize