My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize