He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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