so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
