sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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