my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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