You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
