My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
