omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
