i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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