The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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