the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize