last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
